She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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