No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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