You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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