I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize