I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize