she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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