cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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