The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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