the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
