I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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