The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
