I showed him my bush... on skype.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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