Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
