My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
