I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
