I am spending my child support on dildos
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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