they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
pray to the hookup gods
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
