Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
