I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
