coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
