you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
