You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
