I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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