the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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