He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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