Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
