Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
