When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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