he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
