The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
