When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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