I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
