im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
