Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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