Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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