haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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