I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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