Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
