i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
