new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Come share oat with me in your robe
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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