i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
