why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
