don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
