Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
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