Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Your cock deserves a montage
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
