so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
