i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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