I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
