I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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