Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
