Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
