He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
