For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
