you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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