There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
